How To Cry Like A Professional

Hi, do you feel like you’re messing up all the time and can’t do anything right? Are you feeling really bad about yourself and feel like crying will make you feel better? But the tears just aren’t coming? Are you getting your period soon? Well, me too! And because I am very self-absorbed, I figured that my thoughts could benefit you too! The following five steps will help you get the waterworks going. Don’t be mistaken though, this is not a list of sappy movies or cat videos, this is the real deal. We’re hardcore here. This is real life and you’re going to have to face facts. Proceed with caution but don’t worry, it’ll be just like guided meditation but with real results at the end.

WARNING: Only scroll past this point, if you want the waterworks. Or do it anyway, but don’t say you weren’t warned. 

1. Log onto social media

This is obviously the first step. You know what makes me want to cry on the daily? Seeing everyone on my Instagram feed killing it in their lives. Even during a nationwide lockdown, everyone I follow seems to be completely thriving and also going viral on TikTok. Instagram does a really good job of making it look like everyone is successful and even though you know it’s just a façade and their lives are not perfect, you believe it because you’re dumb and impressionable and on your period. You’re never going to be as pretty or as funny or as good at anything in your life. Just cry. I saw on Tiktok that it’s good for your eyelash growth—something about the sodium content in your tears. At least you’ll be doing something productive.

2. Take a trip down memory lane

Go back to all the times you have messed up in your life and disappointed your parents and coworkers. You won’t have to think too far back. Just think about two hours ago when you did the dumbest thing ever. If that doesn’t make you want to cry, you are more of an embarrassment than I thought. Your parents for sure worry about your future and your coworkers probably don’t like you. The best thing you can do for yourself is cry. I hear crying helps with preventing heart disease.

3. Think about how you’re a bad friend

Remember how you haven’t called your friends in so long but still expect them to be there for you when you need them to be and still feel bad when you see them on Instagram with other friends having fun and living life and playing Settlers of Catan online? Yeah, I think you’re a really bad friend and it’s time to cry about it. Crying soothes the souls and your black, friendless soul could for sure use some soothing.

4. Privilege

Think about how in your life you are just so privileged, lucky, and safe at home but you still take everything for granted and don’t actually deserve anything. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic, you have a roof over your head, have a job, and nothing really to worry about while people are dying but you still care about not being able to see your boyfriend? Yes, I think you should feel pretty bad about it. Also, how depressing is it that you waited your entire life for a boy to like you back and it finally happens but then the Coronavirus doesn’t let you meet him? You can finally get kisses on the regular but Corona comes to ruin your life. If you’re not crying yet, you should. Crying helps you sleep better and sleeping is the only way you’re going to get through this time without going fully insane.

5. Your mother

If you still haven’t cried yet, here’s the one for you – get ready because this one is the kicker. Remember the time you were mean to your mum? Yeah, think about it more. Probably the worst thing a human being can ever do. She loves you unconditionally, fed you, and raised you and you slammed the door in her face and told her she was the worst ever. Let me tell you, you’re the worst ever. I’m crying just writing this. Mums deserve so much better.

That’s the end. I’m crying, I hope you are too. If you haven’t cried yet, go watch This Is Us or A Walk To Remember or just think about your life and go back on Instagram to feel bad about your lack of skills or try TikTok to feel bad about not having a super flat tummy. Just cry about it so you feel better. Then look at yourself crying the mirror to see how pretty you look crying. Feel good about it. Maybe take some pictures to send to your boyfriend, later on, to use as blackmail when he says something mean. Sounds like very healthy relationship behaviour to me, TBH. Okay, all the best. I’m wishing you luck. Also, for your period, try pooping and Tiger Balm and thinking about how at least you’re not pregnant. Always helps me.

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